“You might think that, as a nurse caring for people with life threatening illnesses, the experience of grief would be something I was completely familiar with…” Hospice North Shore Community Palliative Care Nurse Kendra Balderstone shares with us her unique perspective on grief, after losing her birth mother.
I lost my birth mother a few months ago to bowel cancer. Sadly she hadn’t been a big part in my life, but in the later years we had begun that journey of getting to know each other. I found it curiously amusing how people asked if it was an expected death, as if the loss would be anything less. Perhaps the sorrow would have been more intense given less time and knowledge of its eventuality. For my mother it was something she had anticipated, accepted and was more than ready for.
You might think, as a nurse caring for people with life threatening illnesses, that the experience of grief would be something I was completely familiar with. It could be described as an expected emotion of feelings from a daughter for her mother. Grief that is so startling that it suddenly lurches out and hits you in the chest. Grief that is mixed with sadness, frustration and anger over time that is lost and questions that will never be truly answered.
I didn’t really know how many people knew my mother the way I did. Or indeed knew the side of a woman that I perhaps never saw. Clearly, at her funeral, people’s experience of her was something extraordinarily different to mine. (People can be funny like that – we are multi-faceted and don’t always show all aspects of our personalities to the people around us) I genuinely had no idea that this woman that they spoke of was the woman who gave birth to me.
So I guess my experience of grieving so far has taught me a few rudimentary facts. I understand - they may not be your truths, but they feel genuine for me.
1) Nobody has the right to judge the level or quantity of your grief based on the relationship or title they perceive that you hold. Holding the title of daughter doesn’t mean I have any more or any less right to be sad than anyone else. No judgement! This brings me on to number 2.
2) My grief is kinda like a swinging pendulum - it moves and changes. It might not always be about my mother’s death. Some days are worse than others and some are way better. The content of my grief belongs to me and is expressed in my own timetable of which there is no ‘normal’. Healing cannot be forced or hurried.
3) I don’t have a monopoly on grief! It is an emotion that can be experienced on all levels by all people, regardless of their relationship. Children and animals grieve. Nations grieve. We grieve the passing of a beloved pet. In life we have no idea how many people we have touched or have had an impact upon – be that negative or positive. People have the right to grieve regardless.
4) Tears are okay. I ‘m allowed to cry in a sad movie. I’m allowed to cry with Oprah Winfrey. I’m allowed to cry when I see a butterfly or I lose my car keys. It may not be about what I see before me. Sometimes tears are but ‘memories spilling out onto your face’. Tears are okay.
5) Loss is hard but loss is normal. Equally it’s often not fair and it is not easy. As human beings the experience of loss is never a single encounter but one of a series we will negotiate many times in our lives. We lose our childhood innocence. We lose our agility and memory. My patients lose their health and their independence. And we lose our family. We mourn and it is hard.
If you are experiencing a profound sense of grief and loss – any loss - you are not alone. It is, however, your own journey, which belongs to you. Nobody has the right to judge you or hurry you; you take as long as you need. It is a wound that needs time to heal and it may be quite painful. Remember that there will be some days that are achingly worse than others but many that are significantly better. You may want company or you may want to be alone -know that people will understand and tears are really okay.
Finally, have hope and wisdom that you will find the strength. There will genuinely be times that you will be able to help others manage their grief. Take a deep breath and please, please, be kind to yourself.
Kendra is one of a large team of nurses who visit Hospice North Shore patients – and their families – in their home; offering care, support and advice.
The vast majority of Hospice care takes place in the comfort of a person’s home.
18/03/15
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